Parent Burnout
Ah, we all know the feeling too well the moment the shit hits the fan. Let me paint the picture. You are cooking dinner, the laundry basket sits beside the kitchen overfilled, the dishwasher is ready to be unloaded, you need to make that last-minute call or email, the TV is too loud, and the dog is barking at the rabbit outside for the millionth time. Remember, you also have bills to pay; figure out how investing works and what sound your car was making on Tuesday. The kids start screaming, having tantrums, and sibling fights. Someone is spilling strawberry milk on the floor, and another kid is pulling and tugging on you while you are seconds away from serving a charred dinner. Suddenly, it happens, you lose your shit completely. The volcano of all built-up emotions, responsibilities, decisions, overstimulation, and all the moments you bit your tongue and tried to keep your cool while you were dying inside throughout the week erupts.
When I lose my shit or feel like I'm on the verge of it, I know I need to pause and take inventory. It took me a long time to figure out that when I spent a string of days exhausted, annoyed, and frustrated with my duty of motherhood, it was because I was burnt out, NOT because that was just who I was as a mom. Parent Burnout is the biggest clue that I am not in alignment with myself in an area that's important to me or that an area in my life calls for a different approach. Yet, sometimes, it means I need to rest, reflect, or re-energize.
Here are three avenues that I take depending on what I need most:
1. REST
I know I need it when I feel irritable, frustrated, exhausted, melancholy, negative, annoyed, or like I just fought a bear in the wild. Another reason I need rest is when I might be going through a particularly challenging time and need that extra rest to get me by.
THE ANTIDOTE:
The 'Chill Day' with the Kids
I don't make a habit of these types of days because they require me to let my screen time limits and the routine that my children are used to fly out the window, but sometimes Mama needs a day off.
Step 1: Prep the day before by wrapping up tasks and meal prep, including all meals and snacks you can grab from the fridge or heat up for the next day.
Step 2: On the morning of, get yourself and the kids ready and put on comfy clothes. Grab your meal-prepped breakfast. Breakfast casserole, anyone?
Step 3: Set the tone. Set up stations for the kids to free-play, such as an art station, building station, etc. If the weather warrants, open up the windows, light some candles, and create a feeling of ease in the house. Let the kids know you are all having a relaxing day, so that means you can play at your stations or come cuddle on the couch and relax, too.
Step 4: RELAX! Park yourself on the couch and put on a show or a movie you can all watch. Reading books, doing puzzles, or cuddling with the kiddos is welcome on chill days!
Cave Days:
Your room is the new cave. This is the day that requires pure alone time and the allowance to either do absolutely nothing or to catch up on a book you have wanted to read, get some shut-eye, or partake in some journaling to self-reflect. I do similar prepping the day before as 'chill days, ' such as completing tasks and some meal prep. That way, I am completely off the hook for the day. A bonus is that my husband will typically grab me some takeout while he is out and about with the kids that day. I understand that not everyone has a partner to watch their kiddos, and if you are a single parent, it is almost impossible to have a day alone. Family members or friends may be willing to take the kids for the day. Sometimes, it can be hard to ask, but people love to and are willing to help. However, I know a handful of people whose family members already watch their children all week and feel bad about asking for more time from them. If that is the case for you, I suggest a trusted care provider or a neighborhood sitter that comes with great referrals. I can already hear someone say something about not wanting to pay someone, but at the end of the day, instead of thinking about what it will cost, you think about whether it will be worth it. Is the cost worth the return of getting that much-needed alone time to rest so you can show up better for your children? Yes!
Sleep:
Self-explanatory. Get to bed early and cut off all electronic distractions, even that page-turning book! I have stayed up just as late reading as I have to watch Netflix. If you have littles that still wake up at night, I know that my writing 'get more sleep' is easier said than done. However, get it whenever you can. If that means taking a 10-minute nap after getting the kids settled in after school, so be it. Another fun experiment would be swapping rest for your time on social media—Wink wink. Keep in mind rest doesn't always mean the physical kind. Sometimes, you need mental or emotional rest, and so many great resources online give great tips on how to do that. Avoid overwhelming yourself with tips, and pick something small that does not take up your entire day!
2. REFLECT:
I know I need it when I feel out of alignment, overwhelmed, dull, drained, overstimulated, and in too many places at once, physically and mentally, in my head. If I'm feeling stressed or anxious, that is an alarm for me to look deeper and something needs my attention. A journal of a few questions for myself usually does the trick, and then I can devise a game plan to tackle the needle in the cushion I've been sitting on.
THE ANTIDOTE: Journaling.
Here are some questions to help you get started-
How can I enjoy and bring more delight in my days of parenthood?
Where do you feel out of alignment?
What is draining you? Is it the sibling fights, the constant tantrums? Is the house feeling disorganized and chaotic? Finances? Relationships? What is causing it? Can you get some information from experts online or grab a book from the library?
How is your routine lately? Is it consistent? Is it overscheduled? Are you focused on too many things at one time?
What is something that is costing you energy or not serving you?
Are your basic needs met? Sleeping, movement, time in nature, nourishment through food, getting stillness and breaks in your day, drinking enough water?
Do I need the extra self-care and nourishment this season? What small thing could I do?
What are your parenting expectations? Are your expectations for how you thought it would be making you resentful? How can you find acceptance?
Are you focused too much on the past or future instead of staying present in the moment? This costs so much precious energy and drives anxiety. Whenever you get caught up in a thought that is NOT serving you or taking you away from your present, label it as 'thinking' and return to the present moment. With practice and time, you will see how much clearer your mind can be and the more peace you can have. The more present, clear, and peaceful you are, the better you will take on the unknown external circumstances that life throws at us to knock us off balance.
Are you feeling guilty or comparing yourself to others on social media? Society does not make it easy for us parents nowadays. The pressure to be a perfect-looking human in a perfect-looking house, with a perfect-looking marriage, family, career, friends, vehicles, routine, child-development activities, social calendar, and 2-week vacations is in our hands. My advice is to get off social media for a while and see what you are doing right and what realistically works for your family. It is easy to see "perfection" online and think you are doing everything wrong in the areas where you could improve; swap guilt for grace. Swap comparison for contentment, acceptance, and gratitude. Constantly feeling like you are not leveling up to others' lives is a sure way to burn out because you are trying to chase someone else's life instead of staying true to yours.
3: RE-ENERGIZE:
When I know I need it I can feel this when I'm feeling lonely, lacking motivation, fun, passion, getting FOMO, or feeling cabin fever in the house. We were all people before we had kids, and it is easy to forget that and nurture that stand-alone person.
THE ANTIDOTE:
Wake Up Before the kids:
There is something about getting a headstart on the day before anyone else is awake. One of the biggest things I noticed that was burning me out was waking up to kids yelling for me before my eyes opened. When I decided to wake up at five am to beat them to the punch and get in some time to sip warm coffee with a book, meditate, or walk in nature with the dog, it fueled me for the day ahead. I was ready to attend to the kids with love and warmth rather than sleepy and resentfully march to their room to prepare them for the day. Now, you do not need to go balls to the walls and get up at five and do all the stuff I listed I do. If all you have is five minutes of silence before their wake-up time, that is great! That time is the warm up before the game, making you a much better team player.
Time out with friends:
It is hard to get time with your friends on the schedule as everyone is busy, and when the day comes, you wonder if you even have the energy to have conversations and put on make-up for dinner at six. Regardless, the positive energy, laughs, and much-needed connection never fails to fill my cup. Whether it be a relaxed dinner out, a hike, a pottery class, or doing something new and exciting like axe throwing, you won't regret
Get yourself out of the house:
-Is there something or somewhere you've been longing to try? The new yoga studio downtown followed by a solo breakfast out? Or would you like to do something that once lit you up or that you were passionate about? How about that painting class?
-Did you used to bring yourself somewhere before you had kids that you haven't been in ages? I had not been to the mall since I was eighteen, and for my twenty-sixth birthday, I grabbed a Starbucks, brought some clothes, and putzed around Barnes and Noble for two hours looking at books. It may seem like a little, but sometimes, we must remember to bring ourselves out!
-What places or things make you feel like you again? Not just a mom, wife, family member, or friend. Just you. Go and do that, and do that some more!
-An idea that I haven't tried but is on the list is renting a room at a hotel for the weekend. Whether you're by yourself or with your partner or a friend, this is fun if you do not have the time or the cash to go on a two-week vacation
While parenthood has so many joys, it would be hypocritical to say that it is not hard. I will not hold out on the truth; burnout is bound to happen! Nonetheless, when we have tools in our back pockets like resting, reflecting, and re-energizing, we can create the fast-working antidotes that put us back in the game, making us our kids' MVPs all over again.
Conversation in the Chair: What are the ways you take care of yourself when you are feeling burnt out?
