The heartbreak they don’t tell you about

You miss their humor, their cooking, and the way they understood that you liked or disliked something by one look on your face. When you pass by a restaurant you both love or reach for your phone to send them a funny meme, you know they would love it, but you stop yourself when you remember you can’t do that anymore. It’s not always the romantic relationships that break your heart the most; it’s your friendships. The relationships that no one talks about ending so much. I grew up hearing “friends forever!” and believing wholeheartedly in that. Unfortunately, that’s not how it sometimes turns out, even though we wish it would have. A sisterhood and bond that once seemed unbreakable is shattered. Perspectives changed, words stung, and the ground that once held those friendships together began to shake, crumble, crack, and move apart over a distance of miles. A friend turns into a stranger in a matter of seconds, and the leftover pain lingers for months and turns into years. We try to justify our standpoints, who was right or wrong at the time, and it takes us a while to move on and let go of the resentment that is eating us alive. Getting over a friendship that once played a significant role in your life seems impossible as life continues to serve you flashbacks of the good and not-so-good memories, but there is a way through it. I am sharing 5 ways to get past the hardest breakup they forget to tell you about: the loss of a long-time friendship.

#1 Write it out.

If you haven’t guessed yet, I am a journaling junky. I use it to process anything and everything. Work on the past pains in your journal. See all aspects of the situation that may have torn you and your friend apart. Were there any signs you were growing apart? Were there boundaries that were crossed? Write about the person's perspective in that situation and see if you can put yourself in their shoes. In doing so, you can release resentment you are holding on to, and seeing their perspective may lead you to forgiveness.

#2 Speak to Trusted Friends in a non-toxic, non-gossiping way.

You do this by speaking facts. See if your friends can give you a different perspective, confirm your feelings are valid, or teach you about a shadow about yourself that you need to learn from now. I will say that when I lost one of my best friends, I was devastated. I spoke to a few of my other close friends about my experiences and sadness and that I felt like a horrible person. They sat and listened to me with their loving presence, validated how I was feeling, and ensured that I was not awful. I needed that more than anything. Our trusted people can be our greatest soundboards, mirrors, and supporters.

#3 Ask yourself, “What did I learn from this?”

What did I learn about this friendship ending? Did you discover you need to have better boundaries? Do you need to change how you generally show up in your friendships? Do you need to communicate differently? Do you need to learn to trust your gut and intuition more than finding answers in others? What is the takeaway?

#4 You Know What is Best for You.

Suppose you have a friend inappropriately inserting themselves in your personal decisions and making things more challenging than being supportive or giving you the distance you need. In that case, that might be a red flag. No one is entitled to the decisions you are making. You have every right to make choices based on intuition; if someone doesn’t agree, it may be time to let them walk. You should never need to apologize for doing what you feel to be the right thing at the given time. Don’t beat yourself up because someone didn’t see eye to eye with you about your life.

#5 The Saying is True.

Time does heal. The feeling of losing a long-time friend will suck for a while; I won’t lie to you. It feels like a part of you has died when a significant friendship ends. That person allowed you to be a part of yourself that only you felt comfortable being with them. Nonetheless, instead of looking back with tainted feelings about how things ended, we can be thankful for them. You can be grateful for the times you had together, the lessons they taught you through the good and bad, and the role they served. Time and distance will heal all wounds. However, scars can be avoided by applying reflection, journaling, releasing grudges, and forgiving to understand the other person’s perspective, even if it doesn’t align with yours. One day, it won’t matter who was right or wrong anymore; you will realize the hurtful words exchanged were out of pain, worry, and misunderstanding. You do not need to welcome that person back into your life again; that is okay; at the same time, you can wish them well.

The universe tends to remove people from our lives at the right time. Growing apart is no coincidence; for two people to evolve, we sometimes lose each other to find our way to ourselves.